Healed Hearts Read online

  Copyright © 2019 by Helen Wilder

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in cases of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination and used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Cover Design: NET Hook & Line Designs

  Editing: ELENI

  Formatting: Erica Marselas

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Introduction

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also by Helen Wilder

  Scars fade, but can they heal?

  Jordan and Tori fought to give their love a second chance and won.

  They believed the hard part was well and truly behind them.

  A dream wedding.

  A perfect life.

  Or is it?

  Is their love for each other enough to overcome the struggles of the first year of marriage?

  Does happily ever after even exist?

  Or will old wounds cause new scars?

  This is not a stand-alone and must be read following Scarred Hearts

  Jordan

  Early on a Sunday morning I’m out running around the neighborhood just as the sun is coming up. The sky is in varying shades of pinks and purples. My feet pounding along the pavement is the only sound around in the quiet morning besides the few birds in the trees that are already awake before anyone else. I couldn’t sleep. I could feel my wife tossing and turning half the night. I held her close to me with the hopes it would relax her enough to rest peacefully. I doubt I even got a couple of hours of sleep. I’m worried about her. The last two months she’s been so down and nothing can bring her out of this funk she’s fallen into. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen a genuine smile on her face. She does her best to hide it but I can see the sadness in her eyes. It makes me feel so fucking helpless.

  I’m sweaty and exhausted by the time I walk back in to the house. It’s still very early so I’m not surprised that Tori isn’t up yet. I set the timer on the coffee machine before I left so the aroma of the ready and waiting brew hits me as soon as I step inside however I desperately need a shower first. After we got married we decided to continue living in the house she grew up in with her mother, making a few minor alterations by adding a larger extra bedroom and completely renovating the kitchen so it looks nothing like it used to when Victoria’s mother died. The last thing I wanted was for my wife to have the mental image of her mother laying on the kitchen floor each and every time she stepped into that room.

  Up until these last few weeks life has been perfect. Each and every day I get to wake up next to the love of my life and see her smile first thing in the morning, it’s better than I even imagined in those dark years where we were apart. Heading into our new master bedroom the blinds are still closed leaving the room in darkness however the bed is empty.

  “Tori?” I hear a muffled reply coming from behind the closed ensuite door.

  She’s crying in the bathroom, the sound echoing in the tiled room. I close my eyes and lean my head against the door in disappointment. Her tears can only mean one thing. Negative. Opening the door I pull my sweaty shirt off, toss it in the hamper then kneel in front of her where she sits on the closed toilet lid, a pregnancy test in her hands and tears falling from her hazel eyes. She doesn’t even glance up at me. As I wrap my arms around her she continues to cry into my neck and hear the plastic test hit the tiles as she drops it. I hate to see her hurting. I’m disheartened too at the situation, I guess I just don’t feel the emptiness in the same way she does. I wish I had a way to make her see that this is not a failure and to be able to give her the one thing she truly wants in the whole world.

  “I’m sorry.” I kiss the side of her head.

  “I want a baby.” She hiccups against me.

  “I know, I know. So do I. It will happen.”

  “When?” She sounds so defeated.

  It kills me to see her cry. We’ve been married for nine months now and for the last four of those months we’ve been trying to get pregnant. Unsuccessfully. I see her searching ways to fall pregnant easier, at what time of the day or night to have intercourse, she lays there for half an hour after sex with her legs elevated to help the sperm along. It has taken over our life. As much as I want to be a family and hold a baby in my arms it’s not supposed to be this stressful in conceiving it.

  “There’s always next month.” Lifting her head off my shoulder I wipe her tears and kiss her swollen lips, letting her know I’m here and just as saddened. She doesn’t reply, only shrugs her shoulders at me as if saying I guess. Picking her up I move us out of the bathroom, lay us down on our bed and caress her cheek.

  “I really thought that this time would be the day I see two lines.” Her chin trembles holding back more tears.

  “I love you, so much, and you know that I would do anything for you, so please don’t get mad at what I’m about to say.”

  “What?”

  “That’s enough. No more calendars and counting days and checking your temperature to see if you’re ovulating. When it happens it happens. You know it can take up to a year and I don’t like seeing you so stressed out and worried over it. It’s not going to help us get pregnant any quicker or easier if you’re obsessed and acting crazy.” Her bottom lip sticks out as she ponders over my words. I hold my breath to see how she responds. She either agrees or blows up at me but I meant every word.

  “I’m sucking the fun out of sex aren’t I?”

  “A little.” I nod in agreement.

  “But last time we weren’t even trying and it just happened.”

  I can’t really argue with that assessment. Does it feel great when your wife rejects you because you need to keep your sperm in excellent condition until the next day so it doesn’t go to waste, of course not but I was being understanding and supportive even though all spontaneity was out the window and we had to stick to her sex schedule, which she so kindly added to my phone calendar.

  “Tue, but like you just said it happened once, so there’s no reason why it won’t happen again. You need to try and relax and get your mind off it, even if for a little while.” What I didn’t know when we were forced apart all those years ago was that she was pregnant. She gave birth to our daughter prematurely. She didn’t survive. The guilt of Tori going through that experience all alone still wounds me. I know she’s desperate to have another baby, not to replace our angel but to lessen the grief she carries around with her, even if she’s too afraid to voice it out loud.

  “That’s easy for you to say.” I look across the room to the framed photograph on the dresser of us on the ferris wheel when I took her to Montreal for her birthday.

  “I have an idea, let’s go to the cabin for a few days and unwind.” Getting away for a couple of days will do us both good to just connect and lay around with no expectations.

  She closes her eyes and cuddles up to me, getting as close as she can. My hand finds its way into her hair, playin
g with the length of it.

  “I would like that. We haven’t been there for a while. You smell by the way.” Her nose scrunches in the cutest way.

  “I was out running. I’ll organize it for next weekend then.”

  “Jordan?” She mumbles into my chest.

  “Yes?”

  “Thanks for putting up with my emotional ass.” I laugh at the way she’s phrased how she’s been carrying on lately while playfully smacking her on said ass.

  “I would put up with a lot from you, you know that.”

  “Because you love me.” She cranes her neck back to be able to look at me with a smile.

  “I do. No idea why, but I do.”

  “Hey.” She smacks my bicep then frowns as her hand moves to the scar on my chest where the bullet hit me. That was the single most, scariest day of my life. I thought I was a goner, that my life was over and my second chance with this amazing woman was over before it had begun. She had nightmares afterwards, seeing the scene of me getting shot over and over again for weeks until I forced her to speak to someone about it. It was traumatic for us both but we got through it and we’re going to get through this too. “You can’t live without me.”

  “That’s true.” I kiss her greedily, stealing her breath then returning it, pouring all my love for her into it, like I do every time I kiss her. I roll us over, settling between her thighs, opening up her robe I bare her beautiful breasts and naked body to me.

  “Fuck me, Counselor.” Taking my face into her hands, she pulls my lips down to hers.

  “With pleasure.”

  Those years where I didn’t have her in my life were unbearable and lonely. I thank God those days are over and we’re living the life we always dreamed about. If only I could knock her up, everything would be perfect.

  Victoria

  I’m stretched out on the red tartan patterned picnic rug with the sun warming my skin on top of the mountain behind the cottage after our hike, watching the butterflies flutter across the sky above me, moving from plant to plant. The last time we were here in Montreal it was winter and the tree tops were covered in snow, now the greenery is full of life along with an abundance of colors from the wild flowers growing all around. I love being here where the stresses of everyday life melt away and can be forgotten for a small amount of time. It’s so peaceful.

  As soon as we arrived at the house and dropped off our bags we immediately set out for a hike wanting to make the most of the day. Jordan continued up to a higher peak on his own about thirty minutes ago and should be back soon. In the meantime I’m left on my own to reflect on my life and inner thoughts. Being out here in the fresh air it all seems so wonderful and perfect but there are days I wait for something else to happen, something to come around the corner and either destroy or disrupt my life once again. Whenever he goes to see the doctor or he’s late coming home I panic. I know it’s unhealthy, but if I tell him he’ll just worry about me and that’s the last thing I want, besides he has enough on his plate with work and taking on some responsibility at Spencer Shipping.

  Lately, everything I do or anywhere I go since we started trying for a baby, my mind is consumed with falling pregnant and babies. At work, at home, at the grocery store, even driving, I can’t help it. I’ve secretly taken pregnancy tests in the bathroom at work a week before my period was due then hidden it in the trash.

  I lost our daughter then my mother and almost lost Jordan. I now have this desperate need to have a physical part of him to hold onto. I’m afraid of being left alone. I know it’s crazy but I blame it on my hormones. I’ve been such an irrational bitch at times. Even if my husband has not said the word out loud, I’m able to acknowledge my behavior. The first two months the negative results didn’t upset me, I was honestly expecting it, then when I got my period last month I was devastated and lost it. I broke down in the kitchen over breakfast. He’s been so patient when it comes to my mood swings.

  “What’s wrong with me?” I stare at my eggs sitting on the plate in front of me. I’ve lost my appetite and push them away.

  “Nothing at all.” He smooths down my hair, tucking a few strands behind my ear.

  “Maybe I’m not supposed to be a mom.” He shifts and comes to kneel beside my chair, forcing me to look into his penetrating green eyes.

  “I don’t believe that for one second. You’re great with Isabella and Amelia and your students love you. If anyone deserves to be a mother it’s you and there’s nobody else I would choose to have my baby.” His warm hands cup my face and a soft kiss is placed on my lips, tasting of coffee.

  “You always know what to say to make me smile.”

  “Just you wait. I’m going to knock you up sooner or later.”

  He’s right. I need to stop all this obsessing and allow nature to take its course. We’re still young and I shouldn’t worry so much about when or if it will happen. There are always options. I just have to take it a day at a time and not dwell on the negatives.

  Hearing the dull thud of footsteps I glance towards the sound, seeing my sexy and handsome husband walking back towards me. His muscled arms are on display through his sleeveless tank top, hat flipped backwards on his head. He appears like a rugged and sexy adventurer. My body responds in the way it always does around him, my sex clenching at the delicious sight of him. In his right hand he holds an orange wild flower. Taking a seat on the rug beside me he presents it to me.

  “For you.” I sit up, taking the offered flower and bring it to my nose.

  “Thank you, it’s gorgeous.”

  “There’s something I haven’t seen in a while.”

  “What’s that?”

  “A genuine smile.” I kiss my husband on his irresistible lips, the kiss long and affectionate. He pulls me towards his chest using his palm on the back of my head, until my breasts rub against him.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been a little nuts lately.” I murmur against his mouth.

  “It’s okay,’ he replies quietly.

  “Thanks for suggesting we come here, it’s what I needed to relax and let the pressure I was putting us under go, but right now I need you inside me.” His breathe hitches at my words and his eyes darken with his own arousal.

  I remove my leggings and underwear then straddle his lap, rubbing myself on his growing erection beneath his clothes. His fingers find my clit, applying pressure to it, causing me to shudder in his arms as our mouths tango with each other. We’re out in the middle of nature with nobody for miles around but the birds. Lifting me up slightly he eases his dick out of his shorts, then in one quick movement impales my body onto him, swallowing my gasp with his mouth. Feeling full, I stay still for a moment, relishing in the feel of him, his scent, the closeness we share. I gaze into his eyes which are ablaze with need and adoration, directed at me.

  “You are so beautiful. I could look at you forever and not get enough.” His words have my heart speeding up. He never fails to tell me how much he loves and wants me.

  Tipping my head back, his mouth attacks my neck with small bites and kisses running along its length. We both begin to move at the same time. Up. Down. In. Out. His hands grip my waist. Using my knees on either side of his hips, I push off the ground and take control of our lovemaking. He swivels his hips, hitting that perfect spot inside where he wrings the most intense pleasure out.

  “Jordan.”

  “Tori.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you more.”

  Crying out together as we fall apart, he wraps his arms around me tightly, not leaving a single inch of space between us. His mouth trails across my cheek as we both exhale deeply in order to catch our breaths. Hearing a screech from the trees above I look that way to see a flock of blue jays fly off.

  “I think we scared the birds away.”

  Later that evening we’re stretched out, lying on the couch, the TV is on, the volume low, but I’m not watching it, it’s mainly background noise. Jordan is pressed behind me, in between the back
of the couch and my body, holding onto me tightly. He’s been quiet for a few minutes and I begin to think he may have fallen asleep. His voice when he speaks, though hushed, still startles me in the silence of the room. He takes my left hand in his, running his thumb over my rings.

  “The last time we were laying on this couch together I wasn’t sure if I was going to win you back. I was so afraid of stuffing things up even more that weekend. But you have to know that I have never been happier since the moment you gave me a second chance.”

  I turn around to face him. His green eyes shine with the love he has for me. I could never doubt his feelings for me. In the years we were apart he always held onto that love, not giving up on us getting a second chance.

  “You always had me. Even if I was fighting it, and I was, there could never be anyone else. I fell for you a very long time ago, Jordan Spencer and I never got back up.”

  “Damn right there’s not.” I run my fingers down his scruffy jaw.

  “If Mom didn’t get sick and I didn’t come home do you think we would have found our way back to each other?”

  “Without a doubt. I was always going to come after you one day, you returning home only made me come after you sooner. In the end it was always going to be you and me.”

  “I never want to go through being apart from you again. I don’t think I’ll survive it a second time.” I don’t break eye contact as I speak, allowing him to see the fear and worry.

  “You won’t ever have to.”

  “You don’t know what the future holds.”

  “No, I don’t but I can try my best to make sure I’m always here. That’s all anyone can do. I know you’re afraid of losing me after everything that has happened but you’re stuck with me, Victoria Spencer.”

  “Good.” I burrow myself closer to him.

  There on the sofa in our getaway home, my husband makes slow love to me, kissing each and every inch of my exposed skin, showing his love without any words. Afterwards wrapped up in his arms, surrounded by his warmth I close my eyes and allow peace to fall over me. This is as close to heaven as I can get and everything is going to work out fine. I need to hold onto that belief.